Just puttin' it out there

I realize there may be some people reading this that are not Christians. I realize that some of the things I write about may seem abnormal or silly to some people. But, I also believe that God has a plan, a plan greater than each individual and that His glory and His purpose are above our own situations and circumstances. I believe that Christ paid the final sacrifice for each and every one of us, through His death and resurrection, to set us free and to bring us into a personal relationship with God.
Thus far, a lot of what I've been writing has been my own personal struggle with God's plan, and while that may change a little once I'm actually in Uganda keeping people updated on what's going on, this blog is about following the path that God has set before me. This blog is about my walk with Him. It's not going to be perfect, but I am "justified" through Christ. I'm going to fail (a lot) and I'm going to get back up and keep walking. I will try to be as real as possible, through the awesome times and through the times that totally suck. I am just another human, imperfect and pretty rotten most of the time, but hopefully I can allow God to work through me - in the process of packing, while I'm away and once I return.
To the people reading this: I am incredibly grateful for your love and support on this journey. I pray that you can see Christ through my shortcomings, and if nothing else that you will be exposed a world in need of love and care (and maybe get some cool pictures along the way).

Love you all,
Amanda

Death

The past few weeks have been a bit mentally and emotionally draining. I feel like so much has been going on, yet really not a whole lot is different other than my mindset. My room is a semi-packed explosion of my life, laid out in nice neat little piles, or just tossed on the couch. It's everything I have. Deciding what is needed and important for the next six months is more difficult than I thought it would be. Saying good-bye to the most important people in my life is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only six months...but six months is a long time when it hasn't begun yet (and when I'm kind of dreading it). 

Something that has come up several times over this last semester has been the idea of "dying to oneself". There are several Bible verses that talk about dying to the flesh and to sin, but Luke 9:23-24 says "Then he(Jesus) said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." The cross was an instrument of execution before it was the symbol of Christianity. Even though my life, in material things, fits into a few boxes in one room, I find it really difficult to let go of these things for the life that I believe God has for me. None of the things I hold onto are necessarily sinful either, maybe it's because I hold onto the sentimentality of these objects more than I hold onto God's faithfulness at this point. 

More than the material things, though, I am afraid of letting go of this perceived control of life while I am away. I'm a little terrified of what will happen here while I am gone, of what will change and of what will stay the same. It's like if I stay, things will happen the way I want them to, but being half way around the world somehow makes me lose control...when it's not really mine to begin with. I read Ezekiel 28:2 the other day, and it hit me hard how much I think this way: "“‘In the pride of your heart you say, “I am a god; I sit on the throne of a god in the heart of the seas.” But you are a man and not a god, though you think you are as wise as a god."I actually think I have control. How silly. What is worse, is that I don't trust God's control. I think situation A + action B automatically = result C. And while that is often the case (if I hold a ball in the air and drop it, it will fall), when other factors like people and time are involved A+B doesn't always necessarily equal C. For me, I'd be ok dealing with situations A and B if I knew what the outcome was. I've told several people how much I would love God to give me a guidebook for my life: Page 289 - Money is going to be tight for the next few months. But really, don't stress about it 'cause everything is going to pan out. Page 352 - School is going to go really well this semester, but don't take it for granted because next semester might suck just a little. You'll make it through though and graduate on time. Page 507 - Don't worry about having a place to live lined up, moving back in with your parents isn't going to be bad (love you guys!). [Obviously, I've put a lot of thought into this.] I think about all the things that I think I have control over, things as mundane as driving to and from school/work/etc. I think of how easily a decision that another driver makes can completely alter the plans that I have. I think about funding school, and how possible it is not to be approved for a loan or financial aid and how it will affect my ability to attend. There are so many things that I have no control over, yet I live as if I do. And I'm afraid of what happens when I willingly relinquish that control to the one who actually has it anyways. James, though my favorite book, has always seemed to have the harshest "truth bombs"(courtesy of JM). James 4:13-15:" Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is  your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” I hate not knowing, its drives me nuts. 

God made us who we are, he gave us our personalities, quirks, pet-peeves. As a wonderful woman told me, He doesn't want to turn Christians into mindless zombies (paraphrasing), but does want us to be obedient within the scope of who He made us to be. The idea of dying to myself, of letting go of my perceived control, of trusting Jesus with my life more than I trust my own decisions, is difficult for me. If anyone has any tips on making it easier, they are welcome. As I pack my life away, I try to remember that this is an experience of a lifetime; that as stubborn as I'm being, this is the path that God has for me.  Last quote, this one by Andy Stanley: "What God originates, He orchestrates." It's just a good reminder that God will take care of my life and my heart in all things, even when I don't get to know what's going to happen. 

Much love and Merry Christmas!

(8 days....)

24 Days...

...24 days. Oh my goodness.
So much is running through my head on a constant basis at this point, and I'm even getting a bit fearful. I read somewhere, once upon a time, that the opposite of faith isn't doubt, but fear. That when we worry and are fearful we are not trusting God, but allowing the circumstances of life to overcome us. It's difficult to remember that however this trip turns out, whatever happens while I'm gone, God is in control and will take care of everything. Which kind of leads into something that I've been wrestling a lot with lately.
There are so many verses in the Bible that talk about God's provision for His people: Psalm 37:4, Matthew 6:25-34, 1 John 3:21-22, Matthew 7:7-11, Mark 11:24... These are great verses to give people hope that there is more to life than difficulty. However, I think our western minds have decided these verses to mean that "If I love Jesus or am a good person and pray for (insert want here), then God will give it to me." I think we are very mistaken. I don't believe that God will give us that really nifty gadget, I don't even think it means that God will give us the means to pay all our bills on time, or have money for new clothes, or a car that runs. God doesn't promise us comfort. Millions of people, many of whom love Jesus, are unsure if they will be able to eat that day, or provide food for their children. Many people don't have shoes, or underwear. The Bible says that God will provide, that we are much more valuable than the birds of the air and flowers of the field, and that He will take care of us. But I think the point we miss is that God will provide within the scope of His will. He will provide the resources we need to fulfill His purpose. God is not the genie in a lamp, existing to grant our wishes. Sometimes He provides above and beyond what we need, but sometimes He doesn't. I struggle with this a lot because here in America, we have so much stuff. We have so many distractions and things to make us comfortable, but there are so many people in the world living without. I also struggle with this because of the things I want. I want them to be in line with God's will, and while the things I want are not against God or sinful or bad by any means, I fear that if they are not exactly part of God's plan, He will not give them to me. We would be foolish to think that God gives us everything we want, but I also know that time after time He has been so gracious in blessing me with things (like this trip to Uganda!) and to constantly be afraid of not getting what I want is a lack faith. What I have come to realize, though, is that when our desire is to have a relationship with Christ and to grow closer to God and love Him above everything else, He always provides. We (I) need to remember that the most valuable thing is our relationship with God. Love God and love your neighbor, those are the greatest commands. When we desire and ask for the ability to do that, he will grant us our desire.
I am getting nervous as my departure date quickly approaches. Please pray that I would trust God in all things, and that my fears and personal wants would not get in the way of getting the most out of this experience. Please pray that I would be a good representative of Christ's love in all things. Thanks!

Blessings,
Amanda