Death

The past few weeks have been a bit mentally and emotionally draining. I feel like so much has been going on, yet really not a whole lot is different other than my mindset. My room is a semi-packed explosion of my life, laid out in nice neat little piles, or just tossed on the couch. It's everything I have. Deciding what is needed and important for the next six months is more difficult than I thought it would be. Saying good-bye to the most important people in my life is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only six months...but six months is a long time when it hasn't begun yet (and when I'm kind of dreading it). 

Something that has come up several times over this last semester has been the idea of "dying to oneself". There are several Bible verses that talk about dying to the flesh and to sin, but Luke 9:23-24 says "Then he(Jesus) said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." The cross was an instrument of execution before it was the symbol of Christianity. Even though my life, in material things, fits into a few boxes in one room, I find it really difficult to let go of these things for the life that I believe God has for me. None of the things I hold onto are necessarily sinful either, maybe it's because I hold onto the sentimentality of these objects more than I hold onto God's faithfulness at this point. 

More than the material things, though, I am afraid of letting go of this perceived control of life while I am away. I'm a little terrified of what will happen here while I am gone, of what will change and of what will stay the same. It's like if I stay, things will happen the way I want them to, but being half way around the world somehow makes me lose control...when it's not really mine to begin with. I read Ezekiel 28:2 the other day, and it hit me hard how much I think this way: "“‘In the pride of your heart you say, “I am a god; I sit on the throne of a god in the heart of the seas.” But you are a man and not a god, though you think you are as wise as a god."I actually think I have control. How silly. What is worse, is that I don't trust God's control. I think situation A + action B automatically = result C. And while that is often the case (if I hold a ball in the air and drop it, it will fall), when other factors like people and time are involved A+B doesn't always necessarily equal C. For me, I'd be ok dealing with situations A and B if I knew what the outcome was. I've told several people how much I would love God to give me a guidebook for my life: Page 289 - Money is going to be tight for the next few months. But really, don't stress about it 'cause everything is going to pan out. Page 352 - School is going to go really well this semester, but don't take it for granted because next semester might suck just a little. You'll make it through though and graduate on time. Page 507 - Don't worry about having a place to live lined up, moving back in with your parents isn't going to be bad (love you guys!). [Obviously, I've put a lot of thought into this.] I think about all the things that I think I have control over, things as mundane as driving to and from school/work/etc. I think of how easily a decision that another driver makes can completely alter the plans that I have. I think about funding school, and how possible it is not to be approved for a loan or financial aid and how it will affect my ability to attend. There are so many things that I have no control over, yet I live as if I do. And I'm afraid of what happens when I willingly relinquish that control to the one who actually has it anyways. James, though my favorite book, has always seemed to have the harshest "truth bombs"(courtesy of JM). James 4:13-15:" Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is  your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” I hate not knowing, its drives me nuts. 

God made us who we are, he gave us our personalities, quirks, pet-peeves. As a wonderful woman told me, He doesn't want to turn Christians into mindless zombies (paraphrasing), but does want us to be obedient within the scope of who He made us to be. The idea of dying to myself, of letting go of my perceived control, of trusting Jesus with my life more than I trust my own decisions, is difficult for me. If anyone has any tips on making it easier, they are welcome. As I pack my life away, I try to remember that this is an experience of a lifetime; that as stubborn as I'm being, this is the path that God has for me.  Last quote, this one by Andy Stanley: "What God originates, He orchestrates." It's just a good reminder that God will take care of my life and my heart in all things, even when I don't get to know what's going to happen. 

Much love and Merry Christmas!

(8 days....)