It's been a while

I feel like I'm constantly living in cycles. My brain goes over the same things over and over again, and I always expect to come out of each situation changed, smarter, wiser, stronger... all those good things. I think that's the definition of insanity, but we'll diagnose my obvious instabilities later :)

I've been home for over 3 months now. Immersed back into my culture with a vengeance. I jumped, head first, into living life the American way (with the very best intentions, of course). The desires that grew, the lessons I learned, the life we lived in Uganda slips a little farther into memory each day, but that's only natural. I almost refused to process, refused to talk about my experiences. And because of that, the experiences from Uganda never got to fully meld with my life here. I don't talk about it because I know that the God who revealed His nature to me there exists here also, if I only look.
I never finished writing about my hiking trip, and probably won't, honestly. But on the mountain, we stood in places that were rarely seen by other people. In those places, under the canopy of the trees and on the ridge of the peak, God showed me that none of it was created for us. The beauty of the "red hot pokers" lighting up the faces of the mountain at dawn doesn't happen so we can see it. Like all of creation, we are here for Him. How fitting that I should reach that peak of understanding at the end of the semester, while climbing a mountain.
If we are created in the image of God, for God, how can I justify some of the decisions I've made over the past few months... ok, in my lifetime. Especially taking into consideration my attitude, and my reaction to people. How can I look down on a person, or snap at them, or get fed up, frustrated, annoyed, etc. when I'm called to love them? Instead of going out of my comfort zone to build community where it doesn't exist, I chose the "smart" route. I chose to be comfortable, not stretch myself financially too much, to make sure I could work and go to school and afford my bills within the scope of my own power. None of those are bad things, and for the very fact that I have the opportunity to build relationships within my family, I'm glad I chose this path. But I also know that had I chosen otherwise, God would have been faithful.
Now, as school is about to begin, I look back on this summer with gladness. I was able to spend the time with people I love, growing relationships, doing what I could for my family, trying to live simply and trying (but failing miserably at loving the unlovable). I look forward to the next semester with anticipation, because boy am I ready to be done with school! :) I am excited to see familiar faces, and continue to build those relationships as well as taking another step in education. I am sad, however, that I will not be seeing most of my USP/UCU friends on a daily basis. I will miss coffee on the porch, walking into Mukono and taxi rides into Kampala. Oh, and the fruit! I'm very excited for the future, for this new season of life and still, I hope to come out of this stage a little smarter, a little wiser and stronger, but most of all more humble, more loving, more genuine. 

Rwanda, Elgon and the Journey Home (Part I: Rwanda)

One month ago today, all the USP students boarded buses and vans and began the 17 hour drive to Rwanda. It seems like a century ago, and fitting all the details of this past month into one blog post would be torturous (for myself and the poor soul reading it). So, knowing that I will never do justice to the experiences here, I will try to recap as best as possible.

Rwanda:

As I mentioned previously, 17 hours... "Wow, just wow!" It took a while, but we finally made it to the capital city of Kigali (pronounced 'Chi'gali (like Chicago)). My first impression was how unlike Uganda it was. Rwanda is clean, well organized, and pretty modern/western in comparison with Uganda. The city streets are paved, all landscaping is well manicured, goats and cows don't wander the city streets and plastic bags are actually illegal. Kigali is an up-and-coming city, and it's plainly evident. We spent the first day at two memorials - quite possibly the worst day of my life. The church at Nyamata, where 8,000 people were murdered, was particularly painful. Hearing the stories of what people did to families, to children, inside the church and seeing the piles of shredded clothes and the broken bones and skulls of the victims... I have no words to describe how heart wrenching it was. It was easy to ask "Where was God?", especially considering that this and many other massacres happened inside churches. But instead of being bitter and waiting for an explanation of how He could let this happen, He answered me with "I Am." I was blessed with the understanding/sense that God was in the midst of this 100 day genocide, He was with the people inside this church. And as much as it broke my heart to see what had happened, it was nothing in comparison to the grief and sorrow God felt as people, made in the image of God, brutally murdered other people. I immediately thought of the verse "And the Lord said, 'What have you done? The voice of your brother's blood is crying to me from the ground.'" (Gen 4:10) And was blessed with the smallest glimpse of the pain God feels as a result of our brokenness, hate and sin. 

Thankfully, the next day we spent time working with CARSA (http://www.carsa.org.rw/carsa%20english.htm) an organization that focuses on reconciliation between victims of the genocide and their attackers. This was at the complete opposite end of the spectrum from what we had seen the day before. As part of the reconciliation process, an offender can meet with their victim and ask for forgiveness, if the victim accepts they begin to work towards living alongside one another and building a relationship out of the violence. We spent the morning helping CARSA and the community build a house for a woman, Bridget, whose family had been killed during the genocide. When she got up and spoke, she explained how she hadn't had a home since the attacks and was so grateful to everyone for a place she could call her own, and for the community that would continue to support her and her family. When she sat down a man (who looked older than he probably was) got up and started speaking. Alphonse explained that he was part of the group who had murdered her parents and siblings. My heart turned to stone. I don't think I've ever met anyone who had ever killed another human being before, and this man who killed at least one family had just been sitting one person away from me. As he spoke, anger gave way to the realization that Alphonse was just a man. He was just another person, a human just like me, my parents, friends, neighbors. He has the capability to do good and to do evil, and 19 years ago he made a terrible (that word isn't strong enough, but we'll keep this kid-friendly) decision to act on evil. He had repented and asked for forgiveness and spent his time helping build up a life for this woman and her family. They now live next to each other, share a cow (big deal), and her sons spend time with his family. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to understand that level of forgiveness, and honestly hope that I never have to be put in a position where that type of forgiveness is necessary. But to think that I have witheld forgiveness from people who have done far less to offend me is almost sickening. The love that was shown just blew me away. Through the heart of hatred, death and darkness, light broke through. Like the new growth after a fire, life prevailed. Love prevailed. 

We had the wonderful privilege of meeting with other people and other organizations focused on rebuilding the people of Rwanda. Because of language barriers, many times we just danced with our new friends. And while there is still much brokenness, the joy that people have is contagious. 

Kigali

Kigali from another angle

The church in Nyamata

Memorial Billboards

Rwandan Countryside

Flowers at a memorial

Bushara, Lake Bunyonyi

Bushara

Possibly my most favoritest purchase ever, from Amohoro Ava Hejuru
(A reconciliation organization http://kahrwanda.com/)

Close up

Last post in Uganda

Instead of writing my final paper, I’ve decided to write my final blog. Procrastination at its finest, people. In one week from today, we leave campus (and (partially) reliable internet), so any updates will probably happen once I return home, in one month from today!

I thought I’d bring this baby full circle and touch upon a subject that I wrote about before even getting here. The whole idea of God’s will is something that I, like many, struggle with. I often ask myself if I am taking the journey that God has laid out for me. I often find myself lamenting that I don’t have a personalized guidebook from God himself, to help me figure out what I should be doing with my life and how to deal with things when they don’t go according to plan. The final book we are reading is called “Just Do Something”, by I don’t remember at the moment. Kevin something-or-other, I think. It’s short and blunt, but addresses the fact that we often waste time trying to figure out what God’s will for our lives is while all we need to do is take the first step. Nothing happens out of the will of God and while we are expected to be obedient, He gives us freedom of choice when it comes to decisions that are not morally based. It’s something that I needed to hear. Especially considering the fact that there are so many decisions to be made once I get home, and that I want to be intentional about living faithfully and building relationships and living in community. I think it’s something that a lot of people my age-ish need to hear as well (so go read it gosh-darnit, along with ‘Irresistible Revolution”). So how do we live without each getting our own personal ikea-eque manual? I haven’t the slightest clue, ha! But it reminds me of the verses in Joshua where God tells the Israelites to cross the Jordan into the Promised Land. The priests first had to step into the water before He miraculously stopped the river for the people to cross. Sometimes we just have to make a flippin’ decision and go with it, knowing that God’s providence covers it. I hate making decisions, especially when more than one option seems good… Just putting it out there.

Safari was awesome, a wonderful way to finish the semester (I’ll try to post pictures. If it doesn’t work, check out my facebook page. If that doesn’t work, patience – I’ll put them up when I get home.) My final day at practicum was bitter-sweet, final classes have mostly been sweet, and spending time with the friends I’ve made has made me sad to leave. But I’m excited to come home… I think… I hope… Well, that’s all for now. Thanks again for keeping up with my random thoughts, and thanks especially for those who have given encouragement during the past few months. Talk to you all soon!!

Welaba!

Rwanda

We head to Rwanda, land of 1000 hills, in less than 2 weeks. Rwanda, where 800,000+ people were massacred at the hands of their neighbors, teachers, priests, in 100 days. Preparing for this trip, and learning about what happened is heart wrenching. This is another one of those things that I’m not sure what to do with. I know that this happened in the past, and that nothing is going to change the fact that this genocide did happen. One of the books we read talked about how the OJ Simpson trials were going on at the same time as the genocide. I was young, but I remember those trials. I remember seeing it on the news, people talking about it, about who he was and what he had done to his ex-wife and her boyfriend. I remember it well. I don’t remember hearing about Rwanda. In all honesty, my first encounter with what happened may have been the movie ‘Hotel Rwanda’. Why do I remember the corrupt trial of a man that was paraded because of his fame, but not the loss of hundreds of thousands of lives that was happening at the same time? I’m finding it very hard to reconcile this. I’m finding it harder to accept and reconcile knowing that Rwanda had been the greatest example of evangelism in Africa; and that when the killings began many of the people sought refuge in their churches. Instead of standing up for their brothers and sisters in Christ, Hutu clergy and laymen handed over their Tutsi ‘family’ to be killed… or did the killings themselves. America didn’t stand up because as Clinton confessed, there was no American interest in Rwanda. The question that has been eating away at me is, why didn’t the church do anything? One American (literally, one), a pastor, stayed in Rwanda when the US pulled everyone out. I’m not looking forward to this trip because I haven’t been able to process the past events, events that didn’t happen that long ago. I am looking forward to this trip because I believe it offers mourning over the loss of men, women and children who died at the hands of their ‘family’. I hope that in this, God shows me and the rest of the students, how we can remember this tragedy, celebrate those who stood up, and learn to prevent this from happening again. They are not happy, but I do recommend watching “Ghosts of Rwanda” and reading “Mirror to the Church” for anyone who wants to have a better understanding of what happened during the spring of 1994. I pray that this trip is a growing experience and that through sorrow, hope grows. 

The Beginning of the End

Happy Friday. Happy last day of classes. Oh happy day!

My schedule for the next month is going to be crazy, I’m not sure if this is good or bad. I leave for a safari tomorrow. Next week is the last full week at UCU. We leave at 5am (ick.) on the 17^th for our 10-12 hour bus ride to RWANDA!! Ten days in Rwanda, a few days back in Uganda before most of the students leave, then on 5/1 we leave for our 5 day hike up Mt. Elgon! Come back to Entebbe, then head home on the 9^th. More than the busyness, it’s probably going to be very emotional, as we will be saying goodbye to our Ugandan friends on the night of the 16^th before heading to a very emotional trip into Rwanda. Upon our return, those hiking will again have to say goodbye to the wonderful friends we’ve made through the Uganda Studies Program before our next adventure.

For the first time, the sadness of leaving hit me. I originally expected to feel this way, which is why I originally was set to return home in July. However, being here and learning about different aspects of poverty, culture, religion, politics, art… life… made me realize how much I could do at home and how many people in the US are just as needy (in some ways more needy) than the people here (that sounded really bad, I feel like God is calling me to be faithful at home right now). Missing my family and friends and having the desire to finish school and start whatever comes after that only added to my desire to go home, so I changed my flight to return 2 months sooner than planned. The other day, in the last chapel, I realized that I would actually be leaving UCU and Uganda, the place I have called home for the past 3 months. I would be leaving my dorm-mates, my class mates, the monkeys outside, the beautiful sunsets over Mukono’s hills. I will be leaving crazy mzungu-poker-man, and the walks into town to get a juice box of iced tea, or chips. I will be leaving the packed taxi rides over bumpy Uganda roads. Sitting outside the library at crazy hours of the night to talk to use the internet. All these things I have taken for granted; the sights, the smells, the feelings. While there are many things I will not miss (doing laundry by hand and taking cold showers, for example), there are so many things that I don’t even think about on a daily basis that will stay here as I travel back to my side of the world. I have gotten so used to watching the bushes as I walk around campus in hopes of finding a chameleon (yes, honestly). I don’t think there are any chameleons that live in the wild in NJ or PA. I won’t be able to catch lizards on the porch of Florence Hall, or sit with my roommate and talk about things like Mardi Gras, how men are the same in every country, and how we both miss home. I won’t be able to go buy 5 passion fruits for 1000 shillings (about $.40), or pick up avocados that have fallen off the trees. I will miss the cows and goats tied up on the sides of the road everywhere you go. I will miss sitting on the porch till late at night eating papaya or bouncing a ball or coloring with the friends I’ve made here. The reality of leaving has set in and now that it’s here, I’m not sure what to do with it… That seems to be my thoughts on life lately, there’s a lot I’m not sure what to do with.

As the semester comes to an end here in Uganda, I just want to share how grateful I am to those who have read this and kept up with my often-crazy thoughts. I am posting another blog about Rwanda at the same time as this, and hopefully I will get to post some safari pics when we get back. If not, this is it till the US. See you soon!!

Follower of Christ

Staying the same is not an option. When we learn something, when our eyes are opened to a new aspect of life, of the world around us, it is impossible to go back to the way things were. Even if nothing changes as far as our actions, or lifestyle, 'knowing' does not allow for sameness. Yes, my experiences have given me a new outlook on poverty, social work, family, and education even. The list is probably quite extensive, actually. However, something that maybe I really didn't understand before coming here, is the fact that in following Christ, we are supposed to be following Christ. We sing in songs, and say that His life is our example, but if I'm honest, I probably don't actually live like it most of the time. Most of the time, I'm more consumed with my own life than with others. I care more about myself than I do about the people sitting right next to me. It's difficult being a college student also, this is a time when we have to take time to study, go to class, work, and shift focus from everything around us to our classes and to graduation, that light at the end of the tunnel. My dilemma is that God called us to be servants, submissive, loving, giving, sacrificial...all the time, not just after graduation or after we get that good-paying job or after our savings accounts are padded. Am I using the resources God has provided now? And if Christ wanted us to follow in his footsteps literally, are we justified in reading the Gospels about His life and going to church, then immediately go home to our comfy couches (which I miss very much) and turning on the TV while people in our towns struggle to make ends meet, are victims of domestic violence, dealing with addictions. Are we loving our enemies, the guy who cut us off on the parkway, the lady who didn't hold open the door, the murderer, the terrorist. For me, anyways, these are difficult things to think about because they mean self-examination. If I am found to be failing in these areas, a change must be made. If my heart is convicted and I don't make changes, am I really a follower of Christ? I know that this is basically a shorter version of the last post, but it's been eating away at my mind. It's easy to talk about these things here. But when I come home and faced with the reality of taking action, will I?
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind..." Rom 12:2a. Do I conform to the "American" way, the judgmental, individualistic, self-serving way? Or has Christ transformed my life in an evident way?

Transformation?

Before the mental spewing all over this blog, here are some updates (you can decide whether or not to stop reading after this…  or now if you really want): I was finally able to do some work with the farm today at CHAIN. Uncle Fortunate (yep J) showed my friend and I the fields where they plant different crops to sustain the children that live there. We weeded some areas, and got to see their future plans for expansion. Guava is also in season, so we picked and ate fresh guava while walking to the different areas.

The rainy season has begun and so has the season of white ants. We woke up one morning earlier this week to thousands of these flying ants that are about 1.5-2” in length, including wings. They were everywhere there was light during the night, so in the bathrooms and common room. All over the floor were ant-less wings and dead and live ants. It was super gross, BUT they eat them, just like the grasshoppers, so I’ll let you know how they are when I try them. This morning there was another, lesser, plague of ants, but it’s still pretty gross.

One of my friends here was able to get the first three episodes of the current season of Walking Dead (the ones that started in Jan.). Last night, we were able to have a zombie night, which was so nice… yeah it sounds weird, zombies are my comfort, deal. We should be getting the next three episodes for next week. I’m really excited to be able to keep up with Rick and his crew while in Uganda!!

Now for some unrelated pictures!

Some material that I'm having made into dresses. 

How to do laundry in Uganda.

My roommate, Nendel, and I before her performance.

Now for spilling my brain onto paper, or monitor, or whatever...

I think this may have been said before, I've definitely stressed it to certain individuals, but my Spiritual Disciplines class has been by far the most rewarding (just as Community Art has been the most enjoyable). One of the benefits of the course is that through practicing spiritual disciplines transformation really does happen. It must be done out of a sincere desire though, allowing for failures (because they will happen), because practicing these disciplines without allowing room for grace will only result in bitterness and instead of drawing closer to God, we will push Him away. Anyways… there might be a point in this somewhere… I recently decided that for my own mental and spiritual health, it would be best to take time off of facebook, texting, personal emails and blogging throughout the week for the next 3 weeks. Honestly (because we like honesty, right?), I hadn’t been doing so hot emotionally. The pull of home, the countdown, had become overwhelming and instead of the connection to my family and friends being a help, it became more of a hindrance. Staying up late to Skype, constantly checking my emails to see who wrote, and getting frustrated every time the internet didn’t load as fast as I wanted it to (or at all) became the anchor I clung to as it dragged me down. Giving these things up has been freeing, and (luckily) I get to count it as a discipline (hooray!!!)

Transformation, I am finding, is daunting. There’s a lot to live up to, the standards are high, and I think the fear of not reaching those standards keeps people from trying, or allowing themselves to be transformed. It’s also easier for me to generalize this stuff instead of personally admit that I act this way, so forgive me for projecting. This semester has been opening up my eyes to a real-life radical-Christianity. Not a faith that is preached from any pulpit (or blog, sorry guys…), but that is lived out in true love for our fellow man and standing for justice across economic, cultural and societal lines. These realizations have a lot of implications. If I truly believe that Jesus called us to care for the poor in a hands-on way, to truly be a part of a family that shares everything to make sure that no one goes without, then my life must be transformed. My cushy life. I’m afraid of returning home and falling into the same pattern of life, that’s focused on myself and my things, confirming in my mind that I don’t actually believe this garbage. I’m afraid of this conviction being so strong that I am ‘forced’ to give everything I have away, including my own hopes and dreams. I think there has to be a balance. (Maybe this is eastern philosophy coming out, but I do believe balance is the key to being healthy in mind, body and soul.) The one thing that I’m convinced of, though, is the importance of true community within the body of Christ. A quote that struck me this week is, “As we consider what it means to be ‘born again,’ as the evangelical jargon goes, we must ask what it means to be born again into a family in which our brothers and sisters are starving to death…It also becomes scandalous for the church to spend money on windows and buildings when some family members don’t even have water. Welcome to the dysfunctional family of Yahweh.” – Irresistible Revolution. I personally don’t believe spending money on a church building is wrong, but don’t many of the churches that we attend spend more on the building than they do on making sure their community has meals, can pay their bills or has access to health care? I’m convicted that I live in such a way that I am completely blind to those who live in poverty near me. I give my old clothes to goodwill or the red cross. I donate money to certain organizations. I even volunteer when I can spare time, how wonderful of me (please pick on the sarcasm)… All other times, I focus on my comfort, or having shoes that match my outfit, or making sure my toenails are perfectly polished.

Another book that we’ve been reading addresses the fact that we will live according to what we believe. Actually, I’m expounding on that a little. It addresses the fact that people who claim to believe something end up falling into the routine of the “Western” lifestyle and giving up living out their faith. Not as in leaving the church, but more about amassing material wealth and removing themselves from the reality of poverty and injustice. I do think however that this is a reflection of true belief. I do think how we live reflects what we truly believe, about God, about people and about ourselves. Which is scary to me, am I really living the way I believe Christ wants me to live? And if not, do I really believe that Christ expects me to live a certain way? I know I’m being extreme, and really grace does account for our shortcomings. We will never do enough, we will never give enough, we will never love enough, we will never sacrifice enough – we are all human. But accepting our fate as imperfect and resolving to do nothing is the wrong attitude to have also. (Balance, people. OHM!)

I’m sorry this sounds all preachy-preachy, that’s not my intention. I’ve just been processing a lot of things as the semester begins to wind down, so I’m working it out for the world to see.

Well, thanks for sticking with me. Love all of you and can't wait to see many of you when I get home!!

Pictures!

Here are some photos from my home-stay in Kapchorwa and the hike up to Sipi Falls. :)